ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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