I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
