proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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