I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
