my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
