i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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