I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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