just tell him i said nine months
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
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We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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