I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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