Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
