All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
