I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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