Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
