he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
