last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
