He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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