I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
