The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
