the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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