You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
