The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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