He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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