You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
