Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
