the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
