omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
