I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
