Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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