He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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