I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
