theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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