He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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