Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
