I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
