Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I forget how to act sober
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