im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
