sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
