11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
