Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
