So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
