It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
