Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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