U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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