I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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