I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
as a side note pls kill me
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
