my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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