I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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