i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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