I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
operation have a gay friend backfired
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
