Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
