dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sarcasm needs its own font
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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