There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
