There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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