Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
