She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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