Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just google imaged poop.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
